Rock, Paper, Scissors
by Xazz
Summary: 5 times Altair and Maria did and didn't ruin their sex life and the 1 time someone ruined it for them. -oneshot-


1.

Altair heard her before he saw her and felt Maria come up behind him and stand up on her tip toes to put her head on his shoulder before he saw her too. He was looking down at what he was doing, which was making dinner. It was his day to make dinner and he was chopping vegetables. "Yeah?" he asked over the steady sound of the knife.

Maria didn't say anything, she just slid one hand up his shirt and hummed. "Really?" he asked her and looked over his shoulder at her. "You realize it isn't even six O'clock right?"

"Oh shut up you like it," she told him smartly.

"I'm making dinner," he said pointedly.

"Shut up I want to have sex," she complained.

"Maria," he sighed.

"Altaiiir," she mimicked him. He made a face she couldn't see. "C'mon, I'm horny."

"Well that's a new one," and she slapped his ass for that, hard, making him yelp. "Hey!"

"Fuck me," she said into his ear.

"No. After dinner."

She took her hand from under his shirt, "Seriously?" she asked, sounding annoyed.

"Yes, seriously. I'm hungry."

She made an annoyed noise at him before leaving him to cut his vegetables. "Fine we won't have sex," and somehow Altair knew this was going to bite him in the ass.

—

2

On Friday it was designated 'date night' which meant that neither of them were allowed to work, they ordered take out, and watched a movie on their comfortable couch. It had been a few days since the kitchen incident and they hadn't had sex. Any kind of sex. Maria didn't ask and Altair didn't bother cause it'd just get his head bitten off and he knew it.

But it was slowly driving Altair insane. He and Maria had a very healthy sex life so to just not have sex for a few days was maddening cause honestly they usually had it every day. Or multiple times a day (not that Altair was ever complaining about that). And now just… none.

He was lying with his head on Maria's lap, half focusing on the movie. Take out of the week- pizza, hot wings, and a two liter of Coke- was sitting on the coffee table fully devoured. Maria was running her fingers through his hair gently and that felt nice.

"Hey," he said after a big explosion of some sort, he didn't know, he wasn't really paying attention to the movie.

"Hmm?" she didn't stop carding her fingers through his hair.

He got up onto his knees and straddled one of her legs, "Wanna fool around?" he asked and gave her a light kiss on the lips.

"Mmm, not really, this movie is really interested," she said and craned her head around him to keep watching it.

"Seriously?" he asked her, exasperated.

She gave him a look, "Yes seriously now move you're blocking the view," she said. With a groan he got off her and got off the couch. "Where you going?" she asked, looking after him.

"Not here."

"Altair it's Friday," she reminded him.

"Yeah and I'm horny so if you're gonna keep on with this 'no sex cause Altair said he wasn't interested' thing then I'll be back in like ten minutes," he called as he headed for the bathroom.

"Ten minutes…?"

"Yeah I got something to take care of since you aren't interested," and he closed the door to have some privacy. Why did he marry a girl again? He didn't understand girls. He didn't understand dudes either. But he really didn't understand girls.

At least his hand was understanding.

—

3

Altair was glad they were back to normal after Friday. They'd both done their stupid sulking thing after proving they could both he hard headed idiots and then they'd continued as normal. Altair's libido was really happy about that honestly.

Altair was lying on the bed in just his underwear, on his kindle, reading. Maria was out in the living room, bustling around, doing whatever the hell she was doing. He started when a large object landed on the bed and then he found his view of his kindle obstructed by Maria's lovely, big, head.

"Can I help you?" he asked her.

"You can help me by getting naked," she told him.

"Can I finish this page?" he asked.

She made a thoughtful face, "Sure," and then ducked down so Altair could see over her head. And Altair had every intention of actually finishing the page except that Maria had decided to also touch his dick and that was way more interesting all the sudden then finishing the page.

"Bad girl," he told her.

"Shush and read," she said from where she was below him. He quickly just skimmed the page and put the kindle on the side table. "Done quick?"

"If you keep it up I will be," Altair said.

Maria laughed and popped back up to kiss him and straddle his hips. They fooled around for a while and made each other feel good before they were lying side by side on the bed. "Okay I'm really horny now," Maria said.

Altair held his hand half cocked into the air, "Winner gets to top," he said.

"Aww, really?" she complained.

He gave her a look, "Well, yeah."

"Ahg," and she brought her own arm up, placing her fist in her cupped hand.

"One, two, three," and after going through the hand motion Altair formed his hand into a pair of scissors, Maria's was a rock.

"HA!" she cried delightfully. "I win!"

"Damn," Altair muttered.

She crawled on top of him and kissed him, she grabbed his arms and put them around her back, "And as the winner I am gonna ride you like the stud you are-

Altair just started laughing, "God you're so lame," he told her.

"Shut up," she scowled at him.

"But you are, it's great," he pulled her down to kiss her, "I love it," he said with a smile. She kissed him back.

—

4

"Maria," Maria looked at him when he said her name.

"Hmm?" she cocked her had at him. Altair held his fist in one hand. "Now?" she asked, brows up in surprise.

"Just do it," Altair said.

"Altair I am literally about to go to work."

"I know, now c'mon. Winner tops."

She sighed and rolled her eyes, "Okay," and got her fist ready.

"One, two, three," and they produced their figures. "Yess!" Altair said, "Paper beats rocks," he grinned at her.

"Yes yes, very good Altair. Now have you seen my heels? I need to get ready for work."

"The red ones or the black ones?" he asked her, standing uselessly next to her.

"Which ones would go better," and he looked her up and down appreciatedly, "The red ones," he said.

"Then I'm looking for the red ones," she said sweetly. He went and got them for her. "Thank you darling," and kissed him on the cheek before getting up and finished getting ready for work.

After work, after dinner, Altair dragged Maria into the bedroom. "Remember this morning?" he asked her.

She thought a moment, "Yes, and you made me do rock, paper, scissors just before I went to work. You won," she added.

"I did," he agreed. "So as the winner I get to top," he leaned over the side of the bed and pulled out a package. "But, I want something different."

"… That's a strap on," she said.

"It is," he agreed, amused. She didn't say anything, "Maria?" he asked.

"I can't decide if I'm turned on or really turned on right now, give me a second," she said and Altair laughed.

—

5

"Hey Altair," Maria said, it was sort of late and he was literally about to go to sleep.

"Hmmm?" he asked, tired and really wishing he was asleep right now.

"Two things," he finally looked at her, rolling onto his back. "One, I think we should bang-

"That is just a permanent condition with you isn't it."

"I'm a lady who likes it rough what can I say," she shrugged.

"And two?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant."

There was a long silence, "You're pregnant?"

"Yes." He looked at the ceiling, "Altair?" she asked, slightly worriedly when he didn't say anything.

"I'm just thinking that I'm going to have to clean out the spare bedroom to make space for a crib and I'm not looking forward to it," he admitted. Next to him Maria started to giggle. "Stop that," he told her.

"You're so dumb," she said and leaned over to kiss him. "First thing you worry about is having to clean out the spare room."

"Well yeah. Have you seen it? It's cluttered!"

"Altair, shut up, stop worrying about the spare room-

"And fuck you right?"

"Preferably," she agreed.

He looked at the clock next to him, it wasn't too late. "Okay," and held up his hand.

"Really?"

"Well yeah. If we're gonna have sex I want a shot too," he told her.

She rolled her eyes and held up her hand. "One," she said, "two, three."

"Tie," they both looked at each other, they'd never had a tie before. "Best two out of three," he said. She nodded. Altair won one, Maria won one, and then they tied again.

"You have to be kidding me," she huffed.

"Another go?" he asked, she nodded. "One, two,three," and they ended up with the same; a tie at the end.

"Fuck this!" Maria cried. "You fuck me and then I'll fuck you because clearly the universe doesn't want us to sleep anyway," she huffed.

"I was looking forward to a full night's sleep," Altair lamented but knew he wouldn't anyway so there was no use fighting it. "But okay."

"Good," and she climbed up to straddle his waist.

—

+1

Having a kid was a nightmare. Literally it was a nightmare. Nothing prepared you for being a parent. The first two years had been crazy and Altair was usually just happy to get a full night's sleep and didn't even really think about the sex they weren't having. Darim was a demon boy who cried a lot and unless they were in the room with him would usually cry until they were.

Thankfully he didn't cry that much now at two years. Now he would sleep in his crib, by himself, and stay asleep all night, usually. It was great because it meant Altair and Maria could go to sleep at regular hours and just sleep all the way through the night.

"Hey Altair," Maria said and nuzzled against his shoulder. It was Saturday, their day of rest.

"If this is you telling me you're pregnant again I want a divorce," Altair said, eyes still closed, trying to get in that moment more of sleep.

She snorted, "I'm not pregnant, stupid," she told him.

"Well at least that's something," and he opened his eyes, "What is it?"

"He's still sleeping," she ran her hand up his chest, "and we haven't had sex in three months."

"Oh don't remind me I have blue balls just thinking about it," and she giggled.

"Lemmie fix that," she whispered into his ear and slid under the covers. He groaned with surprise and then delight at what she started to do under there. His toes curled a little bit he needed that.

There was a soft thump on the door, "Oma?"

"Oh for the love of god," Altair smacked his hand over his face. "Our son has the worst timing.

"Oma? Dada?" came the little voice from the door. Under the blankets Maria sighed.

"What was that about him being asleep?" Altair asked.

"I'll get him," she said and got out of bed. Altair pulled his underwear back up as Maria opened the door and picked up their toddler, cooing at him. "Look who's gonna join us in bed Altair," she said, bouncing Darim a little in her arms.

"Wonderful," Altair said, trying not to be too disappointed as Maria came back into bed with him and laid Darim between them. "Hey buddy."

"Dada, dada," Darim said.

"You lil cock block," he said and knew Darim didn't really understand.

"Altair," Maria hissed and smacked him.

"What? He doesn't understand," and kissed his son on the forehead. "Best lil cock block," and Maria just rolled her eyes at him. Darim didn't seem to mind, cause he kissed Altair right on the cheek.

* * *

and lets have any Maria hate in the comments, okay kids?


End file.
